Saturday, June 30, 2012

directionless, wayward musings

To be honest, I've been putting this off for a really long time now.  This is such a cliché thing we're all doing, don't you think?  Who the crap is going to read anything that I write? I mean, I think that I'm a good writer, but a blog is so vague.  These sort of directionless, wayward musings of my life are just that: directionless, wayward musings.
 Why do I feel the need to look out the window while I type?  Why can't I just look at the computer screen?
My life isn't what I thought it would be.  In many ways, I'm on the cusp of exploding.  I'm on the verge of breaking all of my commitments, selling all of my possessions, buying a one way ticket to a country that speaks a language that I don't and disappearing.  That's quite the extreme, eh?
But then, the other half (actually, half isn't right.  This paradox isn't a 50/50 divide.  It's more of like a 75/25 in favor of the part that wants to disappear to some country.) of me kind of quells the storm, so to speak.  It kind of reminds me of my potential in life, you know?  It reminds me that during this tumultuous, hill-and-dale time of life, there is purpose.  I would like to do things.  I want to contribute to society, maybe have a family (?), and for sure find my potential.  You know what I mean?

 I want to find out how much I'm worth

But then... who else except for me can put a price tag on me? 

Do you see how I am pulled?  I'm fighting this battle of "Who cares about this provincial life*?/Where can I make a the greatest contribution to this life??"

A lot of sad things have been going on my life, lately.  Over and over again.  I can't control it.  They are decisions and choices that I'm not making.  Others are making them and they have a negative impact on my life.  I do as much as I can to make it right.  I throw money, time, thoughts and any other  disposable, sentimental or tangible asset I have at these things, but it just seems like it's never enough.

I can't save everybody.

This is all very vague, I bet.  ha ha ha.

directionless, wayward musings.

I love you for reading.  This has been very... organic.

*Just watch I'm going to make Belle my wife