Every now and then, I go over to my sister, Renee's house to do my laundry. She is kind enough to leave that service available to me and it's nice to go and see my little nephew Jagger. He and I are like, best friends. We sword fight, wrestle, I throw him higher into the air than most people are comfortable with; he loves me and I love him. Here's a picture of he and I, right after I told him a really funny joke:
Anyway, Jagger hasn't ever inspired the thought or feeling of "Man, I want my own kids." In fact, that thought hasn't ever come without being beckoned by some ornery and incredulous female companion. Here's what I'm trying to say: I haven't ever really, truly wanted kids. I haven't ever had an interest in extending my lineage or living through them or blah blah blah whatever other stupid crap that people say about the matter. But on Saturday, as I wrestled with him, I felt something. I mean, I felt something. Like some sort of bitter medicine, the thought "Maybe I would like this kind of bond, this kind of companionship in my life" came. And, not only did it come, but it is lingering! Lingering I say! It won't leave me.
The feeling has left me feeling terribly lonely, as well. I've always been fine being alone. I don't mind it and I actually kind of guard it rather jealously. But this feeling takes me being alone and changes it to me being lonely. My priorities are suddenly jumbled. I have always had a plan and something going on; I've always known, kind of, exactly what I was doing and where I was going. But now, I feel so... wayward. ha ha ha.
My name is Andrew Keele and for the first time in my entire life, I'll admit it: I want to have kids.
You don't understand, I bet. I'm really more selfish than you think I am. Here are some things I want: to travel the world; to drive a nice, fast car; nice carpet and a studio downstairs, in my basement. Here are some things I don't want: to wake up at 6 am to make sure that my kids get to school; to wake up in the middle of the night to some screaming baby; to have to cancel a movie night or a night at a play because one of my kids is sick.
I could go on and on. But here's the point: for the first time, I find that the bond and love of and from children could outweigh all of those stupid, material things that I hold in such high regard.
What is happening to me?
this has been an insightful post.
I love you for reading.
Keep the faith.